Stoxxi's Corner: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus
Genre: Science Fiction
Director: Jack Perez (Ace Hannah)
Writer: Jack Perez (Ace Hannah)
Star actors: Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Mark Hengst, Sean Lawlor, Jay Beyers, Stephen Blackehart
Steve - "Welcome to our first edition of Stoxxi's (That's Steve and Roxxi combined) Corner. This will be a weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, or whenever the fuck we want feature by Roxxi and I. Pretty much, we are going to watch terrible movies (or good ones depending on our moods) and give them a dandy little review. And, today we have had the pleasure of watching 'Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus'. And we are going to tell you all about its glory."
Roxxi - "I wanted to like it, but I mean, I couldn't. There were zero redeeming qualities in that entire film."
Steve - "As you said while we were watching it, this is a 'must watch with friends' type of movie. Because there is no way you can get any sort of pleasure watching this piece of shit on any day of the week."
Roxxi - "The only entertainment we had was making fun of it together. So in that regard, it's kinda good because there's so much wrong in that movie, it's just asking to be made fun of."
Steve - "Pretty much. I think we should actually tell everyone what 'Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus' was about before we get into more detail. Pretty much, two big motherfucking sea creatures get unthawed in the midst of their battle that was taking place 80 million years ago and then the octopus goes and fucks up Japan while the shark raises Hell in the US."
Roxxi - "The movie also acts as a cautionary tale on how not to live your life. That main character made some of the crappiest decisions ever, and that was before the giant monsters were running, or swimming, about."
Steve - "She was such an unlisted actor that I didn't even bother to look up her name. All I know is that the producers were trying to go for the sexy blond, but she really looked like a washed up, second rate porn star."
Roxxi - "The supporting cast wasn't much better, stereotypical nerdy Asian guy and Lamar the friendly Irishman."
Steve - "Another thing we pointed out was how all these...I can't call them actors because that would be an insult to actual actors, but these unconvincing shits were pretty much B-movie versions of good actors. Such as the Irishman named Lamar. He was pretty much a bootleg version of Sean Connery. Pretty much, if Connery had a failed, aborted clone, Lamar would be him.
Roxxi - "The main lady was like a Tara Reid wannabe (Thinking about 'Sharknado' right now and crying), and it really doesn't get much more original from there. And, oh God, the science scenes where they try and make the movie look intellectual by having the characters frowning in front of microscropes...So much no."
Steve - "They really, really tried to make this film good. But, you know, I think the director was drunk the whole way through the movie since this is the only gig he could get, said, 'FUCK IT,' and allowed everyone to do what they wanted. I'm gonna look up who directed this real quick."
Roxxi - "The Wikipedia literally describes it as not having 'adequate' funding. For a low budget monster film, the monsters weren't SO unfortunate looking, but they weren't exactly any good either."
Steve - "Not to mention that they re-used the 3D footage in a lot of different areas due to their budget. So, they would do one scene with the creatures fighting, and a few scenes later it would replay either the same exact shot or a different one reversed. It made me laugh, but in the 'I wanna kill myself' way."
Roxxi - "I mean, I'm sure there are people who would like this movie and think it's genuinely good but I would assume that they are idiots and their mothers are drunks, so there's that."
Steve - "You took the words right out of my mouth. Also, I found out that the name of the director of this movie is Jack Perez. He used the false name 'Ace Hannah' in the credits, however. I would, too, if I knew this movie was honestly that bad. But, just to show he really hasn't evolved since then, another movie he made is called, 'Some Guy Who Kills People'. From 'Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus' to 'Some Guy Who Kills People', this guy does it all."
Roxxi - "One of the characters in the movie tells the main character she shouldn't expect any kind of career advancements. I feel like that was a self-fulfilling prophecy for the director and the cast."
Steve - "Haha. I love that. I really love that. Oh, wait, we cannot discuss this movie without mentioning the honorable men and women who portrayed the military operatives in the film. In all honesty, I can only imagine that this is what North Korea would look like going to war."
Roxxi - "Oh yeah! The army people were so bad, they yelled at each other and had stupid euphemisms for everything and at once point they even pulled guns on each other."
Steve - "They really did. And then the lead actor, Emma was her character name, went all Kung Fu on these military dudes and somehow won. Talk about no experience."
Roxxi - "Oh my God, remember that one guys dialogue? 'You were a ray of light in all this darkness', I was crying."
Steve - "That erupted after there was this uncalled for Romantic love scene between Emma and the third rate Japanese man they got to play in the film."
Roxxi - "Including but not limited to an inappropriate workplace quickie and an embarrassing shared quote reading."
Steve - "I mean, I know some of you reading this right now are probably confused by everything we are saying, but, you know, that's alright. Because the movie is just as confusing. Oh, and, one last thing I would like to mention is the scene where Mega Shark jumps from the ocean and attacks an airplane way up in the sky."
Roxxi - "How could we NOT mention that. Plane was in full mid-flight, high as a kite, and this giant shark just jumps out of the water and grabs the plane with it's mouth. It was probably the best scene in the movie other than that dying pilot screaming 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'"
Steve - "Wait, wait, I don't feel the enthusiasm in that. It was more like a, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-' than a 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-'. Either way, that man deserves an Oscar."
Roxxi - "It was definitely the best performance in the film, and I'm 97% sure I'm not using sarcasm when I say that."
Steve - "I would have to agree with you. So, from terrible flying sharks, to horrible romance sequences, and B-rated Tara Reids and Sean Connerys, I think we covered all that needs to be covered."
Roxxi - "Yup, there really isn't much to say about 'Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus' that the title doesn't already say."
Steve - "Personally, rating this movie on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd give it a...Fuck me, I'd give it a 2.5 out of 10. And that's only because it's watchable with friends."
Roxxi - "I'm gonna have to agree with your score, if I watched it alone I probably would've skipped through the entire thing and cried about wasting an hour of my time."
Steve - "Alright, well, there you have it. A terrible movie but a great review by two Brutal people. If you ever get the chance to watch this movie, don't."
STOXXI'S SCORE: 2.5 OUT OF 10
I've been writing for Brutal Resonance since November of 2012 and now serve as the editor-in-chief. I love the dark electronic underground and usually have too much to listen to at once but I love it. I am also an editor at Aggressive Deprivation, a digital/physical magazine since March of 2016. I support the scene as much as I can from my humble laptop.
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