Absenth - Erotica 69

I pressed play and the first thing that assailed my ears was a high pitched scream that sounded like it was spinning off an LP being played at 45rpm. But if these guys ever press a record then they'll have to hold up a bank to finance it.

This album is surely one of the lowlights in the history of gasmask toting cyber-crap. Flaccid synths compete head to head with metal guitars, a bizarre combination that would be barely tolerable if not for the vocals. The singer sounds like he's mistaken the cone of a bass guitar amp for a microphone, then run every freeware effect known to man across it. The result is quite possibly the worst vocal sound that I've ever heard.

"Erotica 69" appears to be the track that these guys hold out the most hope for. It's a cross between a Hawaiian moog track and industrial rock, with a woman intermittently moaning as though she is enjoying herself. I suspect that they may have recorded that bit separately and overdubbed it. Because in reality these guys wouldn't get a job scoring a back catalog of 70's porn.

Track three leads us further into the cesspit, with the curiously titled "Wishmaster" sounding like it is being sung by cookie monster in a vader mask. As far as wishes go, I think they would be better off wishing that this steaming turd of an album had never landed on my desk. You'd be better off typing "Wishmaster misheard lyrics" into YouTube and bailing on this review right now, but for the sake of my word count I'd better persevere.

The track "Virus" would possibly sound fuller with an actual Access Virus Ti synth, and the addition of someone who could play it. As it stands it plays out more like a runny nose than a sophisticated nanovirus. Is that a record being scratched, or a pair of chipmunks in a blender?

Whatever you do, do not click on "Left Click to Play".

I've given this album a couple of marks, because it IS music. The synths are not great by any measure, but they do at least carry a tune. The guitar playing is good, it's just a shame that it doesn't fit in with the rest. In isolation I'm sure these guys are individually not too bad. But get them all together and it's a nightmare that should be confined to their basement.

What really annoys me is that I really like a nice French or German absinthe. But this is more like that fluorescent green rubbish that is barely fit for cleaning out your toilet. I'd take it straight up right now if it would let me forget all about what I just heard. Awful. Mar 08 2013